Can't promise the world here, but it works for us and for my friend's kids too.
Sibling rivalry, insecurity, personality... Whatever makes that one kid more aggressive about getting his way or just belittling the other kid... I don't know. I had to think long and hard about the Psychology 102 class I took so long ago and all the things I was so sure of when I was younger.
How did I handle this when I was a nanny? It wasn't a problem for me. It was only a problem when their parents were home.
When I taught gymnastics? Maybe I was lucky or perfectly even-handed or maybe girls don't do it as much. Who knows?
But I could see the flaws in how the school kept handling my one son's behavior and when I tried to explain that punishment is attention and thus is positive re-enforcement, they kinda told me to go blow. Back at 'ya, school. Now they are homeschooled and it's SO MUCH less of a problem.
This is what I came up with:
Punishment won't work because getting attention is usually the child's goal when he misbehaves.
So, when one kid is behaving unfairly toward the other kid, the victim gets a kiss on the head.
That's it. No bribes. No yelling. No crying angry fits. No punishment at all. I explain that the victim is being treated unfairly and he gets a kiss on the head. Sometimes he gets a hug too.
I will say one more thing about my parenting style: I am a tyrant. We have lots of homeschool days when we all wish and threaten to go back to public school. I don't pretend to be perfect at any of this. But my goal is to raise my children to their full potential, not to be their friend. I'm OK with them disliking me sometimes because...
One of my very favorite people was this 72 year-old psychologist who lived near me years ago. Every time we were together we would laugh until we cried. I smacked her in the head once when she was being stung by a bee and she accused me of having issues with my mother. "My mother is allergic to bees!" I yelled. Then we laughed until we couldn't breathe.
I asked if she had an opinion about one of my odd-ball employees and she said, "I always have an opinion. I just don't tell you unless you give me $78."
So here is what she said about being a perfect mother: Don't. She said mothers should always be "not quite good enough." It makes their children strive for independence and improvement. And let's face it, nobody is a perfect mother. Not quite good enough is all any of us will ever be and that is exactly what our kids need.
